Saturday, January 30, 2016

What happened though

I think I have embraced and accepted myself too much, that I'm not enhancing and making myself better. Whenever I do something badly, I'll comfort myself with "It's okay, not like you need it so much anyway", or "nevermind, you can do anything else", or worse "it's okay some people have it worse". 2015 was a slow and stagnant year for me. I was too relaxed and comfortable with my condition, be it with my studies, my passion for music, designing or anything. I can't believe I'm starting to accept that getting a C for exam is normal now. I'd freak out whenever I get a B because I was raised and taught that it is a shame to get such grade. But now that I'm making myself #1 in my life and live by "put your happiness first", it is ruining me... 

I got my results few days ago and I didn't cry anymore seeing those grades. I don't have the courage to succeed at all. When some people say they are inspired by Vivy Yusof or other people, I just don't feel anything. Not even jealous. Like, yeah that's her fate so what. 

I think I need to help myself out. Shit I need to pull this together...

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